Verbal Diarrhea

            The world is vast and diverse.  There are billions of people on it, each one special and different.  They are flawless, educated, and erudite of their history and culture.  However, no matter the differences between societies, religions, or GDP’s, we are all human beings.  Broken down to skin and bones, we are the same.  We eat, sleep, breath and reproduce.  We live out of necessity and that necessity is to live.  What ‘you’ do in life is up to ‘you.’  But that is a fallacy.  Sometimes ‘we’ are victims of our circumstance.  Some are born into a poverty stricken family living in a third world country, others born handicapped and some privileged.  These are the things that are out of our control.  Despite inherent advantages and disadvantages, people seek out the same pleasures in life; they seek love, the perfect beer, the greatest accomplishment, the newest endeavor, the best this or that, happiness, people strive to be happy. 

            Why is it, within a culture, i.e., people living in the same country, from relatively the same socioeconomic background, is there still so much variety?  How come people still have different values, intellects, common courteously, respect for their fellow man?  A person can be given everything in life.  Money, respect, a perfect family and still be an awful person.  While a person who has suffered their entire life is the happiest?  Despite being from the same background people are different.  Is that how people living under the same roof can have altering ideas of right and wrong, one can  lack empathy, be blind to everything except what is going on around them?  Cohabitation is a bitch!   

I need change.  I fear if things don’t change I will go insane.  I am content and happy with much of my life, but there are a couple things that drive me crazy.  It is bad as a result of my lack of action.  I am not afraid of offending people, the situation I am slowly chips away at my patience, eats away at my sanity, overwhelms me when I just want to relax… I can’t do anything about it.  I would rather avoid conflict then say something, move away before every mentioning a thing. 

I am stuck in the melancholy world of the mid-twenties trying to figure out my life while enjoying it.  An uncertain, happy and sad, psyched and crushed, tongue biting, Emile.

            Abbreviated rant of the day, I am tired of being upset by a few things in life.  Talking and thinking about them are turning me into a bitter person.  I want to be happy all the time.  If that is greedy then give me more.  Life is ever evolving and I am learning as I go.           

  

Thoughts...

Psych, what is it?  Where does it come from and where does it go?  Some days it is full on and others, well, those are the days I can barley find the motivation to get out of bed.  With the exception of today, the past few weeks have been great (in the world of psych).  I wake up ready to go, energized, only to red-line myself with a horsepower enriched cup of coffee.  It is great and I feel great. 

I mentioned this to my friend Tom the other day.  I am happy.  I enjoy my life and I am becoming more confident in myself and what  I am doing.  I am not sure if this is correlated to growing up or a general confidence.  This confidence is pronounced in my energized state.  However, last night at work I was slapped in the face with a demoralizing "talk."  One of my mangers, (who shall remain nameless) is on thin ice.  They have been warned twice about their behavior towards the servers.  Basically their job is on the line.  Now this manger is on a tirade.  Unfortunately for me, I felt the brunt of this last night.  Good for 'you,' make me feel like shit because your fucking yourself.  That was the gist of the talk.  Either way, it really made me second guess my new found happiness.  In writing this though, I am feeling better and invigorated.  I am still impressionable and easily embarrassed about myself.  I have never been interested in being the most popular person, but I never want to be the person who upsets other people.  So yes, I feel wrong when people don't like me.  What don't they like me, what did I do?  It is mind boggling.  However, I am not so worried about that as I once was.  Since this is at work I am more self conscience.  I want my co-workers to like me.  I need to remember it isn't me, this manager has issues that need to be resolved.

Speaking of work, where are all the people?  I know memorial day is a few weeks away, but it is slow and I am not making much money.  This is a problem.        

Back to the topic to hand.  Emotions and why/how they change like the tides.  Obviously they are not cyclic, but they change at will.  More detrimental; emotions are impacted by the people you are surrounded by.  Therefore the issue.

Inquisitively intrigued by life, I know this is apart of the bigger picture.  One day it will all make sense.  Until then I am going to do my best to sort it out, and live life.  I am uncertain of the future, all I know is I want it to be fun, amazing, thought provoking, full of love, adventure, and purpose.    

  

Update...

Holy poop batman, it has been a long time since I wrote a blog.  So much has gone on since returning from Spain.  I had a lull of a month, post-partum-trip depression.  With the bank account depleted it was time to start working again.  Work!  What is that?  It is something I hadn’t done since October.  Bummer! 

I started working at Lago, another Common Man restaurant, also on Lake Winnipesauke.  Funny thing is this; I can see the Lake House from Lago!  Go figure.  In addition to working at Lago, I am tutoring twice a week at the Olivarian School. The Olivarian School is a private high school for children with problems.  Nothing major, mostly kids who parents never paid enough attention to them, so they got into trouble or drugs.  These kids come from privileged families.  None of them are from New Hampshire.  They come from California, Utah, Florida, and New Jersey… etc. 

Kayte Knower, a fellow climber has a tutoring business.  Until now it was just her, but she has accumulated more students then she has time for and that is where I come in.  Right now I have two students twice a week.  It is nice, supplemental income. I am tutoring these students in SAT skills.  Wow, if I only knew the tricks that I am teaching when I took the test.  I can only imagine the astronomical score I would have had.  However unfortunate, I don’t think these kids care enough to retain any of the information.  They say yes, nod their heads and are some-what attentive during the session.  I think they feel like the world has given up on them, so in turn they have given up.  It is sad.  I can’t blame them, for what ever reason(s) they ended up at the school stems from worse.  As a parent, if you cannot pay enough attention to your child to see that they are getting into trouble or using drugs, something is wrong.  If I ever have children I hope I won't make the same mistake.

Lago… Lago is fun.  It is busy.  My check average is less, (the entrees are less expensive then the Lake House).  So I am busier and turn tables more frequently.  I don’t mind it.  I like the people I work with.  There are a couple people that get my humor.  The managers are nice and work with you to an extent.  In the end, every restaurant is the same.  Food is made, you serve it to a table, the customers can make or break your evening and everyone has there shit.  Some people are hard workers, others do the minimum just to get by and if someone is having a bad day, more often then not, that person takes it out on their coworkers.  It’s the nature of the beast and a vicious cycle. 

On the occasion it isn’t raining I am climbing!  This season has been wet, not just rain, but seepage and soaked, soaked cliffs.  I have seen portions of cliffs wet that I have never seen before.  It is demoralizing and frustrating.  On the days where it is nice or climbable, I am making the best of it.  I am close to sending Dodge the Lemons, 5.13d.  This will be the hardest climb I have ever done.  The other day I stuck a move that was giving me trouble, with the confidence that I can do that move, I will send soon!  Sending (for the non-climber), is a term applied to completing a rock climb without falling or using aid. 

Since Dodge the Lemons is at my max, I am unable to try it on consecutive days.  It drains my core like no other climb I have tried.  It is so much fun.  The first move is a knee bar.  Starting on two slopping pinches, you throw your right foot above your head, do a drop knee maneuver that places you knee against the same sloper your right hand is on.  It only gets more interesting and fun from there.  It demands so much core strength.  Since I cannot work Dodge the Lemons all the time, I returned to an old project, Roaring Silence, 5.13a/b.  A route I tried a few times last year, but found extremely hard.  I almost sent it yesterday, on my third try this season.  It is an amazing feeling to come back to a project that felt extremely hard and feel strong and confident on it.

I am trying to run at least once a week.  I need to do more cardio and cross training.  I cannot climb all the time and expect to feel strong.  I have the ability to climb everyday, but I can’t climb hard routes every day.  Right now I want to send strenuous and demanding climbs, which means approaching them rested.  Running is something I can do on rest days and feel like I did something while letting the climbing muscles heal.  I am in a better sleep cycle, I hope it continues.  Rest is amazing. 

All in all life is good.  I am excited for the summer season, the trees are beginning to bud, and I can feel the renewal and energy of spring.  Despite the rain today, I am still in a spectacular mood.  I am working at Lago tonight.  I need to prepare for my tutoring sessions tomorrow and I still have plenty of coffee to drink.